Chapter Five

Chapter Five: Keying up for Exposure: Emotions on the Net

That these men needed to talk about their lived experiences, in an emotional and reflexive manner, in order to comprehend something of their masculine selves.

As discussed in Chapter Two, it is clear that some form of 'male crisis' exists in contemporary society. This is an era where the historical, discursive and ideological notions of what 'constitutes' masculinity is being openly challenged. It is also an era where men are aware that the hegemonic sentiments allied to the historical constructions of manhood. With little instruction, boys have become men. Today, however, this process has come under the scrutiny of many academics in this field.

... the individual man feels that he is constantly being watched by other men and that any slips or falterings in the patterns of behaviour broadly labelled 'masculine' are noted (Buchbinder 1994, p. 36)

The wetness of contemporary men's experience is repugnant to many dry intellectuals, who do not like crying, moist feelings, bleeding hearts, confessionals, or soul searching (Tacey 1997, p. 13).

This particular statement of Tacey's was made in reference to Academic men's studies, and those of the popular men's movement, where the men's 'therapy' movement

... feels the legacy of an outworn patriarchy in the empty heart and suffering soul, academic culture thinks about how to overthrow the remaining structures of political patriarchy ... Therapy culture assumes that patriarchy as an identity support structure is dead ...[and] will help individual men in the task of rebuilding of their lives. However, therapy culture fails to see that political patriarchy is still very much alive ... (Tacey 1997, p. 13).

Academic culture, he agues, is very much aware of the continuing hegemonic power of men, but is particularly 'blind' when it comes to seeing that ' ... men are already suffering ... ' (Tacey 1997, p. 13), emphasising that we now live in an era of paradox between power and pain, where both are real and must be taken into account in any discussion of and about men.

In terms of this study, the six participants agreed that men needed to talk more about their lives, their feelings, their thoughts and emotions, no matter the alarm that they may feel, or the insecurity that it might bring. They also conceded however, that men in contemporary society had little chance of actually accomplishing this, in light of the culture within which we live. That is, that they acknowledged that the paradox between power and pain does exist, and whilst it may not be coherently articulated, it is still a powerful influence which structures their lives. Victor remarked that,

...I think when anyone does an inventory of some 75% of their life, one will see shortcomings, failures and disappointments. Coming face to face with these and other emotions were very hard at times. A chronic theme in these reviews was 'how much better' I could have done things given certain circumstances. I do realize that it is, as they say, water under the bridge but this does little to console the soul (Victor, 41, 8 September 1998).

Victor also felt that as a man, he had to consciously, and sometimes unwillingly, choose between the paradoxes, whether it was more important to be seen as being powerful, or whether it was better to 'revea'l his pain. Men should not, he reasoned, be tricked into thinking that the paradox between power and pain does not exist, but should be made aware of these issues before being encouraged to explore their sense of selves.

Thomas, who was very much aware of his masculine identity, noted that he himself went

... from baseball and fishing to these wild emotions and desires that I at least did not understand. Sometimes passions so intense they stun you. Sometimes thoughts that shock you, and desires you have no idea how to satisfy (Thomas, 45, 23 February 1998).

He also conceded that his military involvement made his emotions and passions stronger and more urgent, but not necessarily for the better. He was sad, for example, that he had given up on his first marriage simply because he felt torn between the shame associated with failure and 'being a man', and the notion of doing what was morally right, which in his case involved the dissolution of the marriage. However, looking back, he realised that what he had done at the time now felt right to him, and that his anxiety would probably have been far less distressing if he had had recourse to talk about his feelings at the time.

Midori (aged 43) also went through very similar experiences. He was enlisted into the US Coast Guard as a young adult, and experienced the devastating effects of the breakdown of his first marriage, and spent many years deliberating on why it had happened and how. It was particularly difficult for him to 'open up' and say that his first wife had left him while he was at work, and that she had left because she was unhappy with him as a partner. Only after meeting and marrying his second wife, six years later, was he able to come to terms with his 'failure' to keep his first marriage together:

After almost ten years, my marriage suddenly came to an end. I was working midnight shift and had just pulled into the drive of our residence and noticed wheel tracks in my front yard leading up to the main entrance. As I walked into our house, I immediately noticed that the entire house had been emptied. All that remained was my daughters single twin bed, my clothes, tools, and an old set of dishes. As I walked into the kitchen, I found a two page letter from my wife stating that she had left me because she was unhappy ... and she just couldn't face me in person ... (Midori, 43, 9 April 1998).

Despite the fact that this narrative represents only Midori's recollections, the significant point here is that he was willing to go out on a limb and reject the 'traditional' and pervasive notion that men do not, or should not, discuss personal matters with others. Comments he made indicated that it was almost a relief for him to talk about this issue with someone other than his second wife, and that by doing so, he was able to see that it did not reflect in any way on his masculinity. That is, that he was not a failure because his wife had walked out on him unknowingly, and that he was no less 'a man' because of it. Midori was also particularly distressed when the divorce proceedings went through, and his rights to see his only daughter were set at twice monthly visits.

Suddenly I was only allowed to have time with my daughter two weekends per month. Because my ex-wife had custody, she determined when and where I was to drop her off on Sunday night ... During that year of 1983, I don't recall joint custody of a child as [being] an option offered to a divorced father. Instead, right or wrong, custody was almost always given to the mother (Midori, 43, 9 April 1998).

As a result of the continued frustrations with his ex-wife and battles over when he could see his daughter, who was eight years old at the time, Midori made the decision to relocate to Missouri, where his family had originated. Again it was as if he had 'failed' as a man, twice. First when his wife left him, and secondly when he decided to walk away from the frustrations of child custody arrangements, which he felt would never cease if he were to stay:

I was no longer married, I had lost my home, my dog, my transportation [and] my bank account, and my employment was nothing to brag about. The only reason to remain ... was that my daughter and immediate family resided here. But I opted for a new start in Missouri (Midori, 43, 9 April 1998).

Journalist and presenter of the ABC National series 'Male Matters', Tom Morton makes the point that many men facing divorce tend to 'channel' emotions such as anger, stress, frustration and rage into instigating a custody battle over the children, as if primary care of the children will replace the emotional focus of the relationship, and somehow reassert men's sense of self and position of power (1997, p. 252). In this case, however, Midori chose to walk away from this distressing situation, which he conceded was only harming his daughter, showing selfless initiative and concern for the welfare of his child.

Kephart states that Western societies are still very much family oriented, that despite the increasing incidence of divorce, the concept of family still remains paramount in the lives of most people (1981, p. 13-14). As Althusser argues,

... the family is the main site in which individuals are constructed, both as subjects of a particular political regime and as the focus of personal identity. Since notions of the 'self', of the 'individual', carry a particular burden in capitalist society, the family itself becomes a conveyor of that ideology ... [and] ... That is why divorce is seen as so much of a threat (1971, in Edgar 1997, p. 292).

In discussing personal issues, Andrew (aged 21) was most concerned about his inability to successfully channel his 'negative' emotions in a constructive manner. These were emotions strongly associated with the masculine identity, such as anger, frustration, rage and stress, but which he felt 'hindered' him as a male because he could not control them, hence this indicated to him that he did not 'measure up' to the ideological assumptions equated with men, power and control. He had never had a real chance to talk about his feelings with someone in order that he might learn to help himself 'overcome' this, and so this was a major stumbling block for Andrew.

I am generally happy about who I am. If I could change anything it would be to better channel things like stress and anger into useful work. I'm quite good at say, getting annoyed about something and then just fuming, rather than actually doing anything about it (Andrew, 21, 4 March 1998).

As writer Paul Theroux once wrote,

The whole idea of manhood ... is pitiful, a little like having to wear an ill-fitting coat for one's entire life. Even the expression 'be a man' strikes me as insulting and abusive. It means to be stupid, unfeeling, obedient and soldierly, and stop thinking ... The youth who is subverted, as most are, into believing in the masculine ideal, is effectively separated from women - it is the most savage tribal logic ... (1987, in Edgar 1997, p. 2).

Bryce (aged 48), who openly acknowledged that he had little or no time or thought for feelings and emotions, felt that

... generally men are less vocal about expressing feelings about something because they do not know what they are feeling ...[and] kids over the past three generations have faced a lot of shifting sand in terms of value and self-image ... also [being] the first generations to experience the disorientation produced by very rapid changes in modalities for communication (Bryce, 48, 24 March 1998).

At the heart of his beliefs about men and their feelings, lay an idea that the way in which men and women did converse, was inherently gender 'biased'. In Bryce's mind,

... there is a sex-marked difference in the way conversational speech is used as a means to do the following:

1. convey to another one's feelings about something

2. range over a disparate class of topics. (Bryce, 48, 24 March 1998)

However, Bryce did in fact convey some of his feelings to me regarding his life and his lived experiences, although I had to look harder in my analysis of his discussions with me. Bryce felt that his emotions were irrevocable and unalterable. This is evident in the way in which he acknowledges that he does not know how he feels, hence making it easier for him to speak in terms of things such as music.

The works I respond to most strongly all struck me ... during a listening. If I don't have an immediate and powerful emotional response to a musical work, I forget it completely (Bryce, 48, 27 February 1998).

Unless something (or someone) strikes a chord at that depth, he feels no emotion, such that it is virtually impossible for him to have control over them. Bryce admits that he likes 'facts', something which he views can be analysed logically and a clear and cohesive answer produced. He dislikes what he terms 'intersubjectivity', something that he has little time for, as he openly concedes. In discussing an email exchange with his stepmother, he wrote that

Amy went on at some length about what I call intersubjectivity ... I have very little patience with that stuff, although I am not sure this is purely gender related ... Amy is in some respects very analytical, moreso than I, but most of the time the analysis has to do with intersubjectivity. When she is interested in facts, then she is quite good at sorting matters out ... (Bryce, 48, 8 April 1998).

Inherent in this statement is the idea that facts represent something logical and rational, that they are primarily masculine traits, and therefore 'good', and that they are preferable to the ineffability of concepts and emotions, which are attributes of women and therefore 'not good'. It was interesting that he tentatively suggested that emotions and 'soul-searching' may not be virtues suited only to women, and that he judged people's worth in terms of their ability to converse using facts rather than intersubjective concepts. Yet in another conversation with Bryce sometime later, he speaks of having an 'intuition' about his life, which he feels has proved to be right.

I had felt very inadequate since about 1968, when it first dawned on me that I had no sexual experiences and was unlikely to have any. This intuition has proved correct, for the most part ... I would have to say that the damage done by this sense of inferiority over the period 1968-1988 was considerable and irreversible. My outlook changed around 1991, but not enough to compensate for the damage (Bryce, 48, 26 April 1998).

Unfortunately, before I was able to discuss this any further, Bryce was particularly busy for a period, and then had to go overseas on two separate trips. This combined to interrupt the flow of our interactions in such a way that it was very difficult to get back to the stage that we had initially reached.

Of all the participants' thoughts however, and in particular regard to men's need to be able to openly express their thoughts about their lives, Marv (aged 72) probably summed up the six men's collective sentiments when he told me this:

... when I look back now of course, I see things a lot differently. Then it was all about being strong, being tough etc and above all not displaying a need to talk about 'non' manly things. Now of course its different. I've spent most of my life with men, 'playing' men, playing war, and I can see what happened to me then and what's happening now for other men. Nowadays I say to hell with them, I'll talk about whatever I like, because I want to. I don't have to prove anything or show anybody how tough I am, I know I'm a man and I'll be whoever I want to be. If I want to talk about my feelings, or express some emotion that isn't supposed to be manly, then to hell with them! If I want to talk about how different things affected my life then I will! (Marv, 72, 11 August 1998).

Although Marv's comment is 'spoken' in a very 'macho', style, that is blunt, to the point and aggressive, I think that this is just a reflection of the way in which Marv 'tells' his stories. It should also be read within the context of Marv's life circumstances, particularly when it is considered that he spent the majority of his adult life in the Defence Forces, and fought in WWII. As Morton notes,

We know from the stories of many ... soldiers how strong the emotional bonds between men, created by the shared experience of war, can be ... Nowadays however, the vast majority of ... men have no direct experience of war - something for which we should be profoundly grateful ... (1997, p. 211).

Having shared their experiences as soldiers, these men who went to war have something that the majority of men, in contemporary society, do not. That is, the enjoyment of close friendships with other men, which ' ... afford an enormous amount of pleasure, comfort and ... "heart-revealing intimacy" ... ' (Morton 1997, p. 211). As Morton also points out, the only comparable kind of solidarity in contemporary society, has been that experienced within the trade union movement, which is now in a state of serious decline (Morton 1997, p. 211). In this sense, Marv's comments provide profound insights into his masculine sense of self. Many of his stories were focused upon his military days, the experiences he and his fellow soldiers went through and the friendships that consequently developed. His identity, although heavily influenced by his years spent as a soldier, and amongst predominantly male soldiers at that, has also benefited from the strong emotional support that Morton speaks of (1997, p. 211). He consequently had little or no fear of talking about himself, his feelings and thoughts, having already lived in circumstances which inherently established this kind of fellowship and togetherness.

Conclusion

From the data presented in this chapter it is evident that my co-investigators were able to express their thoughts and feelings about themselves, as men, in a way which did not cause or inflict any undue stress or concern. Rather it enabled them to reflect upon their lives in a way which they, by their own admissions, had not done so previously, also allowing them to understand their 'ways of being' in a manner that was both helpful and encouraging to them all. What is evident from this chapter is that men feel the need to talk about their emotions in response to everyday events. Although most of the men were hesitant at first and found articulation of these emotions difficult, their emerging 'comfort' in this environment would seem to lend weight to the proposition that the Internet fills a gap and provides a venue for men to express emotions.