Chapter Six

That parental relationships, particularly those between father and son, were significant factors in the majority of participants present day sense of self, and how they conceived of themselves as men.

Biddulph argues that a 'father' at its most extreme, could be considered as being just a sperm donor (1995, p. 105). The act of 'fathering', however, is much more than this, '... Its an essential part of raising children of either sex ... [and] ... yet the art of fathering has all but disappeared ...' (Biddulph 1995, p. 105). Continuing in his assertions, Biddulph argues that role of the father has in fact sunk to a very low point and that he believes that

Boys who do not get very active fathering - either by their own father or someone who is willing to step in - will never get their lives as men to work. It's as simple and resolute as that (1995, p. 106).

But also, it is not that simple or resolute, and there is substantial criticism of this position that should be noted. Elium and Elium argue that

To grow into a healthy man, a boy must develop a close bond with his mother, so he learns about his own humanity; and then he must be taken by his father to discover what it means to be a man (1992, pp. 91-2).

According to Gilbert and Gilbert,

... new and courageous ... approaches to mothering are not easily balanced beside many of the arguments currently advanced about fathering (1998, p. 94).

They argue that this approach has created a new wave of 'fathering texts' which seem to have developed as an extreme reaction to feminist approaches, which urge greater emphasis on emotions and caring, and as a result of immense dissatisfaction with what they have said in regards to masculinity and gender relations (1995, p. 94).

Segal, taking an approach somewhere between the feminist arguments and the new 'fathering' approach, asserts that,

We need to break down many of those barriers between the private and the public, to fashion a society in which collective provision for individual needs ensures maximum choices for those caring and being cared for (1997, p, 58),.

As Seidler contends, men need to become much more in touch with their inner selves before they can hope to forge the kinds of relationships with others, that fathers are now being pressured to 'build' (1994, pp. 149-50). With respect to this pressure, he adds, our understanding of the socialisation process, particularly within social theory, is particularly narrow and ordered, as it prescribes, particularly for men, what a father should be, rather then what a father can be.

With regards to women, and in contemporary Western societies, external pressures, such as financial concerns, are such that that they are now being made to feel dissatisfied with 'being' a mother. Increasingly, women are being made to feel that it is no longer possible and perhaps not even right, to stay at home and 'be' a Mother. Now the question on everybody's lips when a woman has a child, is 'When are you going back to work?', as if being at home and being a full-time Mother, are no longer necessary, justified, nor warranted and in some way offers little or no fulfillment.

Seidler's sentiments are, I think, much more in tune with the thematic statement that emerged from this study. As such, and although my co-investigators each had unique relationships with their parents, as all children do, each were aware of the fact that they could do something to alter their own relationships with their families, if they wished to do so. They understood the pressures being placed on them as men, and were increasingly aware of the restrictions that these pressures actually wrought, if they remained unattended. Sometimes, however, it as Townsend notes, where men

... aren't quite sure what it means to be male. With younger men, traditional aspects of masculinity such as strength, sportiness and success still matter a great deal, but amongst older men, where these parameters have fallen away, there is often confusion or a sense of loss (1994, pp. 284).

For example, Andrew (aged 21) was brought up in a very stable home, in a typical nuclear family unit. His parents have been married for 23 years, and as Andrew recalls, have never, to his knowledge, had a major argument:

My Mum is probably most like me in character - being generally easy-going, a bit scatty, and having the same views as me on a lot of topics. My Dad however, is my biggest in terms of what I enjoy - being keen on the sea, walking, technology and things like that ... I suppose I don't 'know' my Dad quite as well as my Mum. I tend to have more personal discussions with my Mum ...with my Dad I talk about hobbies, work, things like that. I don't know if I would really need to know him better. I say this because I love him the way he is, and I'm close enough to him to know that if I really wanted to know him 'better' then I would, if you see what I mean (Andrew, 21, 9 March 1998).

Andrew's view of himself as being 'easy-going', is perhaps debatable, given some of the other things he says about himself. It is interesting however, that his father had the greatest influence on him and yet Andrew acknowledges that he does not 'know' him very much. Unfortunately, before I was able to explore this issue much further, Andrew left the study and I was no longer able to converse with him. Andrew was still provided me with 'reliable' information however, and I reasoned that perhaps 'knowing' your father is not actually a necessary requirement of 'good' parenting, nor does it necessarily promote a better relationship between father and son, in this case. As Andrew himself pointed out,

In general ... I love my family to bits and can't think of anything I'd really want to change about them, because then they wouldn't be who they are (Andrew, 21, 9 March 1998).

It is clear that Andrew's relationship with his parents was important in terms of their contributions to his adult masculine identity. However, it is also apparent that his level of 'closeness' to them was not as important when it came to his recollections about them, and his views of the effects they may have had on that identity. Speaking to Victor about this issue, he commented that

... I don't feel men have to get to know their father to be a better man anymore than a woman has to get to know her mother to be a better woman. Which is not to say that I wouldn't have liked that kind of relationship with my father, we just [were] not that close (Victor, 41, 4 March 1998).

My dad was an inventor (hobby). He had several things that could have been patented had he had the money. Its a shame he locked up his tools and never shared a lot with me, we probably would have been a lot closer - I'm a tinkerer too (Victor, 41, 1 May 1998).

In a later conversation, Victor also remarked that his father had been a very solitary man. He had had few, if any, male friends, and generally stayed home rather than go out 'with the boys'. Victor thought that he was a lot like his father in this sense, but was also sad that he had never had a chance to 'really' talk with him before he died of Altzheimer's disease seven years ago.

From his discussions, Victor indicated that he had felt cut off from his father as a child, and that his thoughts about this were crystallised by his recollections of his father never sharing his tools with him. To Victor, this meant being deprived of a close relationship with him, just as he was kept from sharing, and taking part in, his father's hobby. I feel however, that Victor's acknowledged lack of self-esteem, his sense of loneliness and of being alone, is very much tied to his sadness about the relationship that he did not have with his father. It was also tied however to his mother, to whom he is often loathe to visit.

For example, although he also spoke of much sadness about his very distant and awkward relationship with his father (as a child), as an adult he had come to be extremely averse to seeing his mother. Whilst this may sound like many adult mother/son relationships, my reading of our conversations was such that there was something of much greater significance here, which Victor may not have felt comfortable discussing here. In a later email, Victor told me that although his mother had always done what she thought best for him, her actions were often misguided. Her need for him to be happy, for example, led to food being used as a compensatory tool, hence a serious weight problem began, which he still battles. He also comments that,

There was never much affection between my parents or to me. It makes me wonder how I can be such a closet romantic with such an upbringing [however] ... you cannot hold your parents accountable for all the bad things that happen to you in life, but I do think that the way we handle life's roadblocks are firmly established as a child, and the self-esteem we develop (or fail to develop) growing up (Victor, 41, 27 May 1998).

Despite his low self-esteem, his loneliness and his deep regrets about his experiences as a child, Victor was aware that any changes made now, would have to be made by him.

I have learned though that you cannot live your life pondering 'what-ifs'. You need to try and deal with what is given you and do the best you can. Lately I have fallen short of that philosophy and have been struggling to make a 'comeback' of sorts. It's very hard to fight the feeling that life is over and start making 'goals' again (Victor, 41, 27 May 1998).

Marv, although his parents are now both deceased, was raised in what he terms as being 'an atmosphere of love', where a family of 'huggy, kissy people' surrounded him. His father

... was the only pharmacist in town, and my blessed Mother was a beautiful woman who had been brought up to be a helpmate, to her husband, and a mother to me (Marv, 72, 25 February 1998).

He was brought up in a large, loving and demonstrative family, and when he had his own children, provided them with the same love and attention that his parents had previously done for him. This was one of the most important aspects of Marv's life regarding family and children; that he knew without doubt that he was loved by his parents, no matter what. He cherishes his wife, to whom he has been married for 47 years, and dotes on his children, who are themselves, now in their forties. He was by no means a do-gooder throughout his life, as he freely admits, especially in his years in the military where he was 'somewhat reckless'. However, when I asked him what he felt had shaped his life the most, he told me this:

I would have to say that the major influence in what I see to be me, has to be awarded to my wonderful wife of 47 years. We met on a blind date, in 1948, after I had gone through the terrible time of the divorce. From the first day we met, I knew that this was the girl I was going to marry (Marv, 72, 12 May 1998).

Marv's relationships in his adult life seem to have been greatly influenced by the dynamics of his own familial childhood experiences. Just as his parents had contributed to the formulation and development of his young masculine identity, his relationship with his wife and children assisted in 'nurturing' and furthering his adult masculine identity.

Townsend argues that modern men grow up in an entirely different environment from their fathers, but there are some positives to this. Younger men will

... have a greater diversity of cultural influences and a wider world view than previous generations (Townsend 1994, p. 285).

I tend to think the opposite however, and feel that in contemporary society, young men have too much to adapt to, too quickly, and hence are less able to deal with the increasing rapidity of change within the sexes. In my view, this inevitably leads to frustration, and often, open hostility and aggression.

Andrew, who was 21 years old at the time this study was carried out, demonstrated this confusion quite clearly. He was aware that how he behaved was often inappropriate, but more importantly he was also cognisant of, what he felt, was the reason for this behaviour.

I think it may be this generation now that are feeling effects of these pushes and pulls, and maybe this is the root cause of the so-called problem. I mean, while these changes have been going on, I've been growing up ... its become more acceptable for us to get drunk, eye up women and so forth, especially if you go out in a group. If you're seen to be not joining in with the group, well that becomes a problem. Its ok to be noisy, arrogant and aggressive, and I think its just an instinctive reaction to the times we've grown up in. That kind of behaviour we call being a 'lad' or laddishness (Andrew, 21, 12 March 1998).

It should be noted here that Andrew was born and raised in the United Kingdom. From all indications, and from my discussions with him, he is very much a part of the 'working-class' culture that Mac An Ghaill (1994) calls the 'Macho Lads', and which Gilbert and Gilbert note is one of the most pervasive forms of hegemonic masculinities in our societies (1998, p 124). Buchbinder notes that,

Out of the challenges offered to men by history and the critique of masculinity has come a fracturing of 'masculinity' as an integrated concept ... We might, therefore, say that there have always been many masculine identities ... but also that individual men have always had different life experiences as men ( 1994, p. 22).

In terms of the differences in masculine identites, it is interesting that both Thomas and Midori had fathers who were very similar in their depictions. They were both strict, seldom at home and typical of the 1950's father who rarely, if ever, showed affection, laid down the law and expected it to be adhered to. Kephart (1981, p. 9) argues that many sociologists are now recognising the fact that modern families are doing a better job in terms of affectional and emotional support than those of past decades. Midori and Thomas, however, were both aware of the impact of their fathers 'ways of being' on themselves and their lives, but in a way which made them both more amenable to being open, emotional and outwardly caring, something their fathers had never been, and something that they did not want to repeat.

Victor's father was also a very strict, authoritarian parent, although interestingly it was his mother who '... wore the pants in the family, [handed] out the discipline and dispensed the love ...' (Victor, 41, 14 April 1998). In terms of how he felt about his familial lived experiences, as they had affected him as an adult, he remarked that

It would be ridiculous for me to say that I haven't experienced changes [in myself] ... However, I don't feel that they were forced upon me. Changes are a apart of the evolutionary process (Victor, 41, 28 February 1998).

I think the biggest change in my life that I have made is to accommodate the change that women themselves have had to make in their ever changing role in becoming an individual and equal counterpart to [man]. The change I have made is to give women more room to assert themselves and not make it into a powerplay situation (Victor, 41, 6 March 1998).

Bryce, (aged 48), was I think something of an anomaly in this study. His thoughts were difficult to interpret, given the way he preferred to converse in terms of other things, such as music and physics. During our conversations Bryce indicated that he was an unhappy man who had consciously made major and often extreme decisions about who he was, how he should live, think and behave. By this I mean that he had not just 'drifted' into being who he was, rather he had made himself who he was, with decided resolution. From the beginning of the data generation process, it was quite clear that Bryce needed to make it clear that he had shaped and developed his identity, rather than other 'external' forces or experiences. I would have liked to have had the opportunity to pursue this issue further with Bryce, but his work commitments and extensive travel throughout the year, plus the fact that it seemed to be a very sensitive issue for Bryce, meant that this did not eventuate.

Conclusion

In this chapter there is evidence that these men are aware of the constant emotional pressures that Western societies place on them as both fathers and sons. They are aware of the fact that these pressures are changing and contested, that the pressures of the past are different to the pressures of the present. They also realise, however, that these pressures 'co-exist' in contemporary society, which means greater confusion and frustration in terms of how they should 'be' as fathers or sons, as both pressure forms dictate different behavioural expectations. From my discussions on this issue with my co-investigators, it is clear however, that parental relationships play a significant role in men's sense of selves, in their ability to express their emotions and in their perception of themselves as men.