~~591 ~~
~~~ A is for Aussie ~~~
A - is for Aussie's, 'Cos, that's what we are,
B - is for Bottler, Means, we're better by far.
C - is for Cobber, What I am to you,
D - is for Dinkum, That's, what you are too.
E - is for Euchred, When, you've broken my heart,
F - is for For Starters, We never should part.
G - is for Gone, As, Ned Kelly I am,
H - is for Hangin', On to your hand.
I - is for In Heaven, Is where you put me,
J - is for Just, As cool as could be.
K - is for Kiss, That, you land on my gob,
L - is for Lust, When, my heart starts to throb.
M - is for Mushie, The words that we say,
N - is for Nookie, That we like to play.
O - is for Oh, Let's do it again,
P - is for Pleasure, Or is it just pain.
Q - is for Quickie, When we're in a hurry,
R - is for Randy, That's better than curry.
S - is for Sexy, 'Cos, that what we are,
T - is for Trying, The back of the car.
U - is for Under, The water is good
V - is for Very, Nice if we could
W - is for Wank, When I'm feelin' bad,
X - is for Xtra, Sex when we're glad.
Y - is for You, Who I'd, get all alone
Z - is for Zip, That hides my old bone
© July 28, 2002
~~ 592 ~~ ~~~ A is for 'Andsome ~~~ A is for 'Andsome 'cos that what I am C is for Curtains that hang in our trees E is for Echo that goes round a bend G is for Garden where we grow our bread I is for Ice-cream that drips down your chin K is for Kitten who darns all our socks M is for Mousie who nibbles our cheese O is O'Dear, That's what mother says Q is for Quickly lets all go inside S is for Slippery when muds on the floor U is for Under their shells they just sit W is for Water that's where they should be Y is for Y'ouch as I toss them away © April 22, 2000
~~ 593 ~~~ ~~~ Am I gettin' Enough? ~~~ "Are ya' gettin' enough?", He se's to me, So he se's to me what I must do, And he said "I'd be a fool "And its comes in every colour, "Then, ya' hair will fall out on the ground, "Then ya' ears will turn to arse-'oles, So's, I've made a big decision, © July 31, 2002 ~~ 601 ~~ ~~P'u ~~ How come every mornin', you start that flamin' yawnin', 'Cos your gobs a woppin' size, and I really am surprised, 'Cos you pong and flamin' stink, and I'll tell you what I think, It really is the grow-sus, to have hell-e-tow-sus, Please! Go and get some help, before I start to yelp, © August 3, 2002
~~ 603 ~~ ~~~ That Fatal Blow ~~~ They laid him out neatly inside of his casket, It seems he was playin' and messin around, She started to yellin' and screamin' ya' see, He pleaded and begged her to give him a break, But fire and smoke came out of her nose, But, he flatly and bluntly refused her to go, © August 7, 2002
~~ 611 ~~ ~~~ An Old Left Foot Thong ~~~ Things were on for young and old down at our local tip, There was screamin' and some yellin', enough to wake the dead, That thong was black and dirty and pretty well worn out, So, I emptied out my trailer with my back towards those two, I told them I must have that thong, to make it fair and square The first of those contenders, stepped up to have a go, Cripes I thought, what have done, commenced a tribal war, I did't try to stop 'em 'cos, I knew I never would, There were rocks and jars and bottles, bouncin' off me car, When I got home my knees were weak and I trembled like a leaf, *
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* I seen them wimen later on, down at the shoppin' street, © August 20, 2002 ~~ 619 ~~ ~~~ Honest Pete ~~~ It's time to write a story 'bout the days from long ago, Then one day this joker came, and strolled, into our local bar, "They are the latest motor cars that you can buy today, We wondered why that flamin' bloke had acted flamin' queer, So the mob of us we wondered down, to that car yard down the street, So that bloke he offered Honest Pete more dough than he had seen, "You have no need to buy them', said Pete, as he grinned from ear to ear, "That's why they call me Honest Pete, 'cos I tell it how it is, Things they are the same again in this place just north of nowhere, © September 13, 2002
~~ 620 ~~ ~~~ A Toilet Poem ~~~ When you come here to sit and think © September 13, 2002
B is for Bootlace we cook into jam
D is for Doggie that trains our pet fleas
F is for Froggie that is our best friend
H is for Hippo that sits on your head
J is for Jackass who lives in our bin
L is for Leopards who hides in our rocks
N is for Numbat who likes to eat bees
P is for Pity it's raining today
R is for Rain-drops that fall from the sky
T is for Turtle who sits by the door
V is for Viscous 'cos it's me that they nip
X marks the spot where that turtle bit me
Z is for Zero of how many will stay.
I said, "I'm not to sure,
But maybe I don't get enough
And I need some bloody more."
And do it straight away,
"If you ever get too much,
You should start givin' it away."
Don't look for any more,
'Cos, the bloody stuff is every where,
It's on ya' roof and on ya' floor."
Yellows, reds and greens and blues,
But, if ya' get too flamin' much,
It rots ya' socks and rots ya' shoes."
And ya' elbows will lock up,
And the handle it will snap right off,
Ya' favourite coffee cup."
And on ya' shoulders they'll shit,
And ya' chest-hairs will, turn into trees,
And root you all to bits."
Not to get me anymore,
And what I've got, I'll tell ya' mate,
Is goin' out the door!
And you open up your gob so flamin' wide.
That a bloody Kenworth truck, with half it's flamin' luck,
Could back its flamin' trailer's right inside.
That, it's a place a bunyip hasn't built his flamin' nest.
'Cos your flamin' teeth inside, when you open up real wide,
Smell enough to kill Australia's worst'est pest.
That your backside smells much better that your gob.
'Cos you need a mouth-wash quick, before you make me sick,
And turn to me to a shakin' quiverin' slob.
'Cos, you smell like you've been eating horse manure.
And I'll belt you with a stick, if you don't see the old Doc quick
Or I'll take you down and dump you in the sewer.
'Cos your really smell like somethin' I can't name.
You are a top notch root, and I think your kinda' cute,
But your breath it is a fuckin' cryin' shame.
He'd died from a punch in his portly bread-basket.
A boxer and fighter for most of his life,
But! he owes his demise to a punch from his wife.
With some shelia that lived in the middle of town.
And he never came home till late in the night,
That's, when his old women she started to fight.
And refused to do washin'and cookin' his tea.
She called him a bum and he'd better leave quick,
'Cos he'd already started, to get on her wick.
And cook him some chicken, eggs or some steak.
And to open a bottle of beer or wine,
And he'd give up the girl and things would be fine.
As she told him to hurry and pack up his clothes.
'Cos, she wouldn't be cookin' or washin' no more,
And, told him to get out, and shut the front door.
And he started to yell and bung on a show.
Then he sat in his chair and turned on the telly,
And that's when she punched him, right in the belly.
When I went there on Sat'dee, which was my weekly trip.
It seemed that there, was a dispute, of who was in the wrong,
And who had had the ownership, of a left foot thong.
And some caerfully aimed projectiles, at each opponents head.
They dodged and weaved like boxers, inside a boxin' ring,
And a'hanging on that left foot thong, afraid to drop the thing.
Just like them pair of wimen, that could only scream and shout.
They cursed each others pedigree and clarified their breading,
And neither one would let it go, no matter what the pleading.
'Cos, I didn't want to get too near and end up in that blue.
But alas I was mistaken; they asked me to referee,
To see who owned that left foot thong, so I did agree.
And to put it in my trailer and leave it sittin' there.
And I'd measure both their foot size, to see if it would fit
And if the thong was way to small, they can't go stretchin' it.
She tried it on and I'll tell ya' mate, she didn't have a show,
The other one she laughed and said, "Hey mat dis is my tong,"
She tied it on, it didn't fit, so I told her she was wrong.
When those wimen started fightin' just like they were before.
They were pullin' hair and kickin', and rollin' on the ground
All over that, old left foot thong, that one of them had found.
So I grabbed that thong and tossed it, as far, as I bloody could.
But when they saw me chuck it, they started comin' after me,
I jumped in my car and bolted as fast as I could flee.
They even tried a kitchen sink, but they couldn't toss it far.
And profanities I've never heard that would make my grandma faint,
And my trailer scored and brand new coat, from a rusted tin of paint.
And I cursed the tip and that thong that nearly brung me grief.
And I cursed those flamin' wimen, that go shoppin' at the tip,
And I'll have to give a second thought, to my next Sat'dee trip.
And I notice that, one of them, had nothin' on her feet.
And the other one was hobblin', sorta' swag-a-lin' along,
And in pride of place, upon one foot, was that left foot thong.
When things were tough as nails and the rust it didn't show.
That place was north of nowhere, where the crows fly upside-down,
And they reckoned we are not worth shittin' on,
'Cos, we're a mob of flamin' clowns.
And asked who was the owner of that vintage motorcar.
And he asked who were the owners of the others in the street,
"Vintage cars by crickey", Bill the Barman turned and said,
"Ya' better put ya' hat on mate, ya' sufferin' from the heat".
And they all come here in packing crates and we didn't have to pay.
The car yard down the end of town has plenty in their store
But, they are only black that's all they have, and ……….",
Before old Bill could finish off that bloke was out the door.
He hadn't even hung around to finish off his beer.
So we rushed outside to see just why the joker had shot through,
But, all we could see was clouds of dust left there in his wake,
And that place he'd tripped and tumbled, and left his flamin' shoe.
To see that flamin' joker tryin', to do a deal with Honest Pete.
Now Pete he was the honest sort, the type, who, never robbed or lied,
But, that smart-arsed city joker tried to make Pete take his dough,
But Pete he wouldn't do a deal, how hard that joker tried.
And promised Pete a whole lot more and a black stretch limousine.
Then that bloke he begged and pleaded, and even got down on his knees,
"Please Pete", he said, " I'll see ya' right fair dinkum, please give a man a break
You're the only bloke I've ever seen with boxed up Model T's".
"You can have as many as you like, just, don't drive them out of here".
"What do you mean", that joker said, as his face turned to a frown,
That bloke he turned a sorta' green and he stuttered as he said,
"Do you mean to say, I can have the lot, but never leave this town"?
So, come into my store with me and have a flaming squiz".
That joker he relented, and said he really had to go,
And we were all as mad as half cut snakes,
So, he wasn't gunna' hang around and waste his flamin' dough.
And the crow's still here fly upside down and we haven't got a care.
Until another joker comes along, and sees a vintage car,
And sees those magic dollar signs before his flamin' eyes,
And goes rushing like a crazy mug from out of old Bills bar.
We do not mind the smell or stink
But! Remember when you rise and flush
Please use the bloody dunny brush.
'Cos, when the bowl gets caked in shit,
We have no way of cleaning it-
Other than by human hand
Which doesn't feel all that grand.