New Giggle List11

~~~ 643 ~~~

~~ Tell Me How ~~

Tell me how it flammin' works,
The squatter said to me.
As he drew upon his pipe,
With his back agenst the tree.
"It works like this I said to him
With a smile across me face.
And, It'll work right here beneath this tree
Or any other place."

"Just close your eyes and think of this
And the money you will make.
When you tell 'em that it's ridgy-didge,
And it's not a flamin' fake.
And ya' tell 'em that it works like mad
In the dry or in the wet.
And just how big they flamin' are,
And the colours you can get."

"Then ya' take 'em out and show 'em
When it's got a head of steam.
'Cos, it's a work of flamin' magic that,
Will fulfil their every dream.
And they'll never have to work as hard
As the ever done before.
And the missus she can let it in
To scrub her kitchen floor."

"So this deal that I'm offerin' you
Will set you up for life.
You can even trade ya' missus in
And get another wife."
So take a punt, give it a go,
You'll, never get another chance.
'Cos, if at all the work gets slack
It'll teach ya' how to dance."

~~~ 647 ~~~

~~ That Banshee Next Door ~~

I was layin' in me bed today whilst tryin' to sleep in,
When this rottin' mongrel kid next door, began to make a din.
I, jumped from me cot, in a flash, and donned me trousers on,
Then, I grabbed a piece four-b-two and hit him on the scone.

Then his mother started bawlin' and bungin' on a show,
So I mumbled out some words I knew and told her where to go.
But! She started comin' at me, with smoke streamin' from her nose,
I just stood there like a mug galah and bloody well just froze.

She grabbed that lump of timber and bounced it off my head,
She hit me just so flamin' hard I thought that I was dead.
Then she kicked me in the family jewels, right in me flamin' nuts,
Then she kicked me in me old Ned Kelly and I bought up half me guts.

I tried to scramble to my feet but me legs they just give way,
As I wished to Christ I had not got, out of bed today.
I just couldn't stop her comin' she kept comin' after me,
She kept screamin' like a banshee as she rammed me in a tree.

I crawled back home, on me knees, crippled up with pain,
And I swore to God that I would get, even, with that bitch again.
So I mixed a brew of deadly stuff, from, one of me magic books,
And I stuck some bread and meat with it and feed it to her chooks.

I had found out she was a veg, she, would never eat no meat,
So now the eggs her cooks would lay, would rot her to her feet.
'Cos, her eggs they would be tainted now, full of steaks and chops and snags,
I knew that that would fix her good, that vicious fat old bag.

As the days they floated by, the crooker she just got,
I am sure, she did not know, just what was flamin' what.
Anyways a 4sale sign, appeared on her front lawn,
I knew it wouldn't be too long, before that bitch was gone.

~~~ 648 ~~~

~~ Her Old Blue Shoes ~~

"Strike a flamin' light," she said,
As I told her my good news.
"I've gone and found 'em, sure I have
I've found your old blue shoes."

You could have heard a pin drop
As she started taking paces.
"Did you find them in good nic,
Or have they lost their laces?"

"Com'on old girl," I said to her,
"Don't let it get you down,
Put 'em on, straight away
And then we'll head to town."

A smile it came across her face
As she tied them to her feet.
She'll glow with pride as she walks by,
Others in the street.

~~~ 650 ~~~

~~ The Gibba-dik-ta-me Mob ~~

There is a local legend 'bout,
A tribe just full of gins.
And they call 'emselves,
"The Gibba-dik-ta-me Mob",
And they're full of vice and sins.

Now, Some are tall and skinny,
And some are short and fat.
Some smell just like the roses.
And others smell, just like a long dead cat.

But, I had never met one,
Until the other day,
When I went to, our local pub,
To have a drink and play.

And there was one just layin' there,
Drunk! Flat-out on the floor,
Blockin' up the entrance to,
The only dunny door.

Some blokes just stepped around her,
Other, they gave her a good boot,
And others they just laughed at her,
When she offered them her fruit.

But I am just a kindly bloke,
And gave pity, to her layin' there.
I picked her up and brushed her off,
And sat her in a chair.

She said she was the great big boss,
Of the Gibba, dik-ta-me mob,
And I could have her worldly goods,
For just a couple of bob.

I said I weren't the kinda' bloke,
To seek payment for a deed.
But, I'd gladly give a couple of bob,
And stand her for a feed.

But, the words she slurred just knocked me,
Fair right off me feet.
She said she had no flamin' teeth,
So she took up suckin' meat.

So the members of her girly tribe
Said that, if she had to suck it for two-bob.
Then she can not stay a member of,
The Gibba-dik-ta-me mob.

So now she wanders aimlessly,
From town to flamin' town.
And offers all her worldly goods,
To some drunken half-cut clown.

But all she gets is knock-backs,
She just never gets a chance.
So she's givin' up her searchin'
And takin' up long pants.

~~~ 651 ~~~

~~ Snorin' ~~~

I have a bonzer sheila
That sleeps here in my bed,
But all she ever seems to do
Is, snore right off her head.
She sounds just like a steam train
That whistles through the trees,
And the fog-horn from a tug boat
That, takes ships from off the seas.
And every time I wake her
To tell her she must stop,
She just farts then gives grunt,
And keeps snorin' off her top.

~~~ 655 ~~~

~~ My Old Ford Falcon ~~

I've got an old Ford Falcon
By crikey she's a beaut,
She's better than a station wagon
And better than a ute.

She goes just like a ripper
With her mighty 3 5 1,
And I've drivin' her for ages
And by gee's we've had some fun.

We've covered all this country
Up North and to the East,
Even south to Tassie
To have a flamin' feast.

I've wound her up to top speed
About 260 k's,
And I've dragged lots of Holden's
Every single day.

HV flamin' Commodore's
They brag they are the best,
But my good old flamin' Falcon
Drags them off just like the rest.

Those French cars and those Germans
Just never have a show,
When they try and beat my Falcon
I just tell'-em where to go.

My poor old Ford is tired
She needs to have a rest,
But! If she's ever challenged
He'll pass that very test.

~~~ 669 ~~~

~~ My Granny's Black Cat ~~

My dear old granny has come to her grief
For she sneezed and she coughed then lost her false teeth.
It happened down there, by her old wishing well
When she went to her well to cast a swell spell.

Her teeth hit a rock and bounced like a ball
And into her well her false teeth did fall.
They fell in the water up-setting her fish,
Those fish that helped her con-cocked her swell wish.

So off to the rescue she sent her black cat
With a rope round its neck and a pointed black hat.
As it searched in the water for granny's false teeth
That black cat it-self sur-cum-bered to grief.

The fish in that well grabbed pussy's black toes,
Then grabbed its black ears and grabbed its black nose.
Then grabbed its black tail and grabbed its black hat,
And that was the end of that black pussy-cat.

~~~ 671 ~~~

~~ Have You Ever Seen An Emu? ~~

Have you ever seen an Emu fly, across the desert sky?
Have you ever seen an Emu, chew upon an old meat pie?
Or;
Have you ever seen an Emu, do cart-wheels in the sand?
Have you ever seen an Emu with, its hair in rubber bands?

Well I Have;

I have seen an Emu
In fact I have seen two,
I seen them at the Back'O'Bourke
In nineteen twenty-two.
And I have;
Seen em' doin' hand-stands
And playin' in a band,
And I've;
Seen em' playin' marbles
In the red and dusty sand.
And I've;
Seen em' do their washin' up,
Put their feathers out to dry.
And I've;
Seen em' wearin' make-up with,
Mascara round their eyes.
And I've:
Seen em' in a fry-pan,
And I've
Seen em' at the tip.
And I've;
Seen em' in the country,
Whist' goin' on a trip.
And I've:
Seen em' down the local pub
Upon unsteady feet,
And I've:
Seen em' chasin' wimin'
Down a one-way street.
So;
If you ever ask me once again
How many have I seen,
I tell ya' mate fair dinkun,
I've seen so flaming many
I am about to scream.
And:
I've shot em' on the Vermin-Fence,
And in a park as well,
I just wish those pesky Emu's
Would go to flamin' hell.

PS.
And you too can go to flamin' hell.

~~~ 679 ~~~

~~ Agatha ~~

Ag-a-tha, Ag-a-tha please be my bag-a-tha,
I am in love with you,
Ag-a-tha, Ag-a-tha please be my bag-a-tha,
I love you O' so true.

We could get married the first day in spring
I'll have you wearing my wedding ring
If gold's not your colour, I'll make it from string,
Please make my old heart sing..

Ag-a-tha, Ag-a-tha please be my bag-a-tha,
I am in love with you,
Ag-a-tha, Ag-a-tha please be my bag-a-tha,
I love you O' so true.

We'll build a mansion on top of a hill
And I'll use your money to pay all my bills
'Cos, I don't like working you silly old dill,
So make sure you're on the pill..

Ag-a-tha, Ag-a-tha please be my bag-a-tha,
I' am in love with you,
Ag-a-tha, Ag-a-tha please be my bag-a-tha,
I love you O' so true.

They tell me your cooking is so dam divine
Specially when drunk with a good glass of wine
So together dear Aggie we will do fine,
Ag-a-tha please be mine.

Ag-a-tha, Ag-a-tha please be my bag-a-tha,
I' am in love with you,
Ag-a-tha, Ag-a-tha please be my bag-a-tha,
I love you O' so true.

I'll take you shopping along the main street
There we will purchase the best cuts of meat
Then you'll take me home and cook me up a treat,
Then you can rub my feet.

Ag-a-tha, Ag-a-tha please be my bag-a-tha,
I' am in love with you,
Ag-a-tha, Ag-a-tha please be my bag-a-tha,
I love you O' so true.

We can go fishing alone in a punt
And I'll take a rifle for rabbits to hunt
If we get a pig we will chew on its grunt,
Aggie sit down in front. ("BANG", oooppssss)

Ag-a-tha, Ag-a-tha please be my bag-a-tha,
I am in love with you,
Ag-a-tha, Ag-a-tha please be my bag-a-tha,
I love you O' so true.

So come with me Aggie and please be my girl
You've sent my beard and my hair in a curl
You are a treasure a real fine pearl,
My heart it has started to whirl.

Ag-a-tha, Ag-a-tha please be my bag-a-tha,
I am in love with you,
Ag-a-tha, Ag-a-tha please be my bag-a-tha,
I love you O' so true.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-ggggggggggggggga-tha please be mine!"

~~~ 681 ~~~

~~ And Rhubarb With No Leaves ~~

Next time that we go shopping
This is what you said to me:
We'll have to buy some carrots
And buy a tin of peas
And buy some tasty cheddar cheese
And some rhubarb with no leaves.

So when we went to Coles that day
To buy just what we please:
We bought a bunch of carrots
A tin of minted peas
A slab of tasty cheddar cheese
And rhubarb with no leaves.

The girl who's on the checkout
She smiled at us with glee;
When we paid for a bunch of carrots
And a tin of minted peas
A slab of tasty cheddar cheese
And rhubarb with no leaves.

When we came home that evening
We had this feed for tea:
Some lightly roasted carrots
Some boiled minted peas
Covered with some cheddar
And rhubarb with no leaves.

Copyright 1996-2005 - KRACKATINNI IS THE REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF RODNEY JOHN O'BRIEN