~~~ Flamin' Women ~~~
There are some stupid women, I'm tellin' you for sure,
Why, only just the other night, one came knockin' on me door.
She was a friend of long ago, and needed just to chat
But when she opened up her gob, she raved 'bout this and that.
'Cos, She is a flamin' know all, a lawyer and a cook,
A doctor and a surgeon, by Christ she makes me crook.
No matter what ya' say to her, she knows a better way,
Of doin' almost every thing, she's the hero of the day.
If ya' told her that the sky was blue, she'd say how do ya' know,
Or if ya' planted wattle trees, she'd tell ya' how they grow.
And talk about a hippo-crit, ya' may think I am absurd,
But every time I try to speak, I can't get in a flamin' word.
Ya' have to yell, to be 'eard, above her whining voice,
I'd rather listen to a fog horn, if I 'ad a flamin' choice.
I dunno' what I've done, to deserve this woeful fate,
I'd love to go and kick her out, before it is too late.
She really is, she's really dumb, she is a flamin' curse,
But! She is a flamin' Kiwi, and that just to make it worse.
I've tried to make her listen, but I have to hold me breath,
She really hasn't got a clue, I call her, "kiss of death",
It really is a cryin' shame, 'Cos this is what I think,
It are them women just like her, that sends a man to drink.
I've had enough, I can't take no more, so I'll go and get a Vet,
To put her down and free me from this great Australian pest.
August 5, 1998
~~ 158 ~~
~~~ Cat Stew ~~~
I was workin' in The Alice,
But! I'd got the drum,
So I cashed me cheque and rolled me swag,
I got the tucker truck to Hermanns-burg,
There was nothin' there, I mean bugger all,
That driver of that tucker truck said, I was
The only other white bloke there,
The Texan said he had arrived,
He showed me where to roll me swag,
I found him in the old tin shack,
The gin was his apprentice,
I asked him what was in the pot,
He served me up a plate of grub,
I said to him, "Ya' pretty mean,
I said to him, "What did he mean,
Now, I am a bloke who's eaten
I'd never felt so flamin' crook,
The gin was bringin' back some dogs,
And as I laid there on the ground,
The driver was about to leave,
I told the cook that I'd be back,
August 10, 1998
~~ 159 ~~
~~~ Camp Dogs ~~~
I'd just got back to Hermanns-burg,
That Yankee cook, he still was here,
We'd brung some dongers to house us blokes,
The first two weeks all things went well,
If ya'd ever been around a camp
Any-way, we had a job
Crazy Mick he had a thought,
We'd been on the job for just a month,
The flat was flooded be-yond belief,
The airstrip it was washed away,
It rained and rained it never stopped,
The cook he knew we had no meat,
The gin returned with a butt,
I knew of course, that he lied,
That smell a'comin' from the mess,
Two weeks went by, the roads still closed,
But a funny thing was happenin',
I told Crazy Mick of what I thought,
So when that gin went off to get
She'd cut its throat and gutted it,
There was a pile of butted dogs,
So I told the other fella's,
I told 'em 'bout the cat he'd cooked,
The cook he said, "Now hang on men,
"I know you's blokes aren't happy,
"So what are ya's all complain' for,
Everyone just shut their traps,
So, in good time the rain let up,
Fresh fruit and veggies by the ton,
Now there ain't no dogs around our camp,
August 11, 1998
~~ 161 ~~
~~~ The Old King Brown ~~~
I was somewhere north of Newman, headin' for me shack,
That bloody grader driver, who graded this here track,
Anyway we'll forget that bloke, he probably meant no harm,
I got across the first creek, when I heard that woeful sound,
I watched him for a while, but he never moved away,
I was stranded on an island, between two raging creeks,
He was lookin' in the window, with his beady eyes at me,
The water started raisin', it was lappin' at me tray,
The water rose up to me knees, I was frozen there with fear,
I was shakin' like a bloomin' leaf as I looked among me gear,
I watched me swag and that snake, disappearin' down the river,
I said to me-self right out loud, you're a goner that's for sure,
I grabbed a piece of four-be-two, that was six feet long,
That's when I really panicked, 'cos it wouldn't be no lark,
The sun was settin' in the west as the river reached it peak,
I climbed up on the cabin roof and got settled for the night,
I tell ya' mate, I was bloody scared, that I'd get bit or washed away,
The water drained itself away from around me flamin' truck,
I open up the truck door and water, ran out on the ground,
I walked to the tree that held me swag, to try and get it down,
He landed on me bloody legs, so I grabbed him 'round the neck,
I finally let the mongrel go, and dropped him in the sand,
I loaded up me old Mack truck and stuck her into gear,
August 12, 1998
~~ 162 ~~
~~~ That Old Finke River Track ~~~
I was drivin' south from Alice,
It was blowin' a flamin' gale,
The wind it blew me over,
I came to a halt not very far,
The wind it blew me over,
The wind it died down just a bit,
The dust it was so bloody thick,
There was mountains were there weren't before,
I thought I'd head for higher ground,
I tried to climb the highest hill,
Then I smelt, a familiar smell,
I started diggin' with me hands,
I found the cab then found the tray,
Me mongrel dog was still asleep,
I grabbed me shovel and started diggin',
Me truck it fell right side up,
I downed that beer in one gulp,
August 13, 1998
~~ 168 ~~
~~~ Eels Eggs ~~~
Eel's eggs, she told me,
She said to me ya' have to dig,
Otherwise, they will just sit there,
But this strange phe-nom-e-na,
'Cos it rains there with out fail.
So, if ya' want to catch those eels,
It really works just a treat, but,
Otherwise, they'll shoot through,
But, take my advice for goodness sakes,
August 29, 1998
~~ 176 ~~
~~~ A Python in Our Roof ~~~
We moved up north to Queensland,
We found a place, just north of Bundaberg,
One hectare, two and one half acres,
Anyway, it has two dams,
The other things we got for free,
And now we have a carpet snake,
We was lookin' at the eaves one day,
Kerry looked at me with fright,
We slowly walked inside with care,
We listened for the faintest sound,
But alas there weren't the slightest sound,
So, to-morrow off to town we go,
October 7, 1998
~~ 177 ~~
~~~ The Python in Our Roof Got Caught ~~~
It really weren't a python,
I was out the back rakin' leaves,
I wasn't sure what it was,
It was tryin' to catch a flamin' bird,
I hooked it with the garden rake,
I yelled to Kerry to come out side,
I put the rake onto his head,
We went outside to catch the snake,
We took it down to Yandaran Creek,
There no more noise up in our roof,
October 10, 1998
Knockin' up a church,
And I was not the sort of bloke
To leave me em-ployer in the lurch.
From me mate, about a better job,
At a place called Hermanns-burg,
With free tucker, and free grog.
And headed down the track,
The boss had said my job was there,
If I ever did come back.
In the middle of the night,
And when I got to Hermans-burg,
By gee's I got a fright.
'Cept a few humpies and a shack,
And the only people I could see,
Was a'darker shade of black.
A bit on the early side,
And I'd have find a place to camp,
Until the other blokes arrived.
Beside the driver of the truck,
Was a lanky Texan cook,
Who said his name was Chuck.
On his bike a week ago,
And he didn't have a bloody clue,
Who ran this flamin' show.
Out of the wind amongst the trees,
He said when I was ready,
He'd treat me to a feed.
With an old gin by his side,
They was cookin' up a pot of grub,
It smelt like, some-one there had died.
And he was teachin' her to cook,
He had to show her what to do,
'Cos she couldn't read a book.
And why it smelt so bad,
He said the smell came from the gin,
I said, "By gees I'm glad."
He sat and had some too,
He told the gin to bugger off,
Before she made us spew.
To talk to her like that,"
He said to me, "She had to go,
Or she'd want to share our cat."
When he talked about a cat,"
He said, "It's cat that's in the stew,"
That's when I dropped me hat.
Many things before,
But that grub came up me throat,
And landed on the floor.
Me head began to spin,
I got up and raced outside,
And ran straight into that gin.
To clean up all the mess,
And what she'd do with that stew,
Was any bodies guess.
I cursed me bloomin' luck,
I hoped and prayed that, that bloke,
Was still there with his truck.
When I caught his eye,
I said to him, "Take me with you,
Before I flamin' die."
'Cos there is nothin' here to do,
And I'll return and start the job,
With the others in the crew.
With that motley crew,
We'd come to build a mission house,
And that's what we was gunna' to do.
So was that ugly gin,
And everythin' still smelt the same,
What an awful sin.
And a mess to feed us men,
Fresh veggies, meat and fruit and grog,
I'd not eat cat again.
We worked from dawn till dark,
But every night we could not sleep,
'Cos, flamin' dogs would bark.
Of our, black Aus-tralian friends,
They always have a million dogs,
That'll send ya' 'round the bend.
Of gettin' off to sleep,
They had not seen white men before,
So they acted just like sheep.
He said, "It would be fun,
To shoot the bastards one by one,"
But, we never had a gun.
When the rains come tumblin' down,
It washed out the roads, and the tracks
That headed back to town.
The mud was two feet deep,
Ya' couldn't walk, ya' couldn't swim,
And ya' couldn't, stay on ya' feet.
Ya' couldn't land a plane,
And ya' couldn't even do ya' job,
For all that flamin' rain.
For twenty bloody days,
The grog was gone, so was the meat,
Me head was in a daze.
But he knew just what to do,
He told his gin to go and get
A bloody kangaroo.
And gave it to the cook,
He told the men, when roo was cooked,
It tasted like chook.
'Cos, I'd eaten roo before,
But, I'd never eat, his mystery stew,
Until I knew the score.
It didn't smell too bad,
And to get some meat instead of veg,
The blokes were pretty glad.
And a plane still couldn't land,
But the cook he seems to always have,
A kangaroo at hand,
And I thought it kind of queer,
All the dogs from 'round the camp,
Were slowly disappearin'.
He said, I was a silly coot,
And if the cook was cookin' dog,
They'd give him, the flamin' boot.
Another, kangaroo for tea,
I followed her and caught her,
With a dog behind a tree.
And skinned it in a flash,
But she didn't see me watchin' her,
With 'er dead dog stash.
With back legs missin' off the lot,
That's when I knew, what that cook
Was puttin' in the pot.
To come and have a look,
And they all got pretty agro,
So we went to front the cook.
When I was here before,
And how I thought, he'd been cookin' dog,
But now I knew for sure.
Why are ya' goin' crook,
I haven't made ya' flamin' sick,
From the grub I cook."
But I know ya's will agree,
That if ya's was in China,
It would be a deli-ca-see."
And don't go crook at me,
Or ya's all can go to bloody hell,
And you'll get no flamin' tea."
They just never said a word,
And every time we ate our grub,
Not a flamin' sound was heard.
Then they opened up the track,
And it was bloody great to see,
That tucker truck come back.
And buckets full of grog,
And the meat, that driver brung,
Wasn't bloody dog.
We ate, every dog in sight,
And there ain't no barkin' anymore,
When we go to sleep at night.
It was rainin' like a bastard, the rain was washin' out the track.
That track it was, not a track, it was only just two ruts,
And every time ya' hit a bump, it'd shake out half ya' guts.
Had the art in makin' corrugation, and had it right down to a knack.
And if I ever caught him, I'll tell ya' what I'd do,
I'd kick that hopeless mongrel all the way to Timbuktu.
Let me get on and finish, tellin' you this yarn.
I got up to the Turner, where two rivers met,
If I didn't cross it straight away, that's as far as I would get.
Of air escapin' in a hurry, as two tyres they went down.
I got out, and had a look, and cursed me bloomin luck,
Then I saw this old king brown, so I jumped back in me truck.
I thanked the Lord I was in that truck, and that's where I was gunna' stay.
The rivers started risin' at a fast amazin' rate,
And I couldn't cross that second creek because, now it was too late.
And if I don't get washed away, I'll be stuck there for a week.
That king brown started movin', towards me flamin' truck,
I couldn't get away from here, I was well and truly stuck.
I was hopin' he would bugger off, and climb a flamin' tree.
He was a monster of a snake, fifteen feet at least,
His guts were maybe two feet 'round, like he'd just had a feast.
I thanked the Lord that it was, the middle of the day.
That bloody snake was on me tray, I was stuck for what to do,
The water it was in me cab, fillin' up me shoes.
Between the water and the snake, how was I, to get out of here.
I summoned up the courage and I wound the winda' down,
I climbed on the tray to find the snake, but it was nowhere to be found.
'Cos I knew that if I found that snake, I probably die from fear.
I found the bastard in me swag all curled up nice and tight,
And when I chucked 'im in the drink, I dunno', who got the bigger fright.
And when I realized what I'd done, I started to bloody shiver.
So I opened up me Eskie and cracked a flamin' beer,
As a log the size of a battleship went wizzin' past me ear.
It must have been, at least half a k, to swim over to the shore.
I looked into the water, and saw about a dozen bloomin' snakes,
That's when I really shit me pants and I got the flamin' shakes.
And every time a snake came near, I gave it a bloody dong.
I donged and donged those bloomin' snakes, I was hopin' they would drown,
Then I suddenly realized the sun was goin' down.
To try and keep those snakes away, as soon as it got dark.
I stacked me gear on the roof, put on me boots and extra clothes,
In case those bloody rotten snakes tried to bite me toes.
And I didn't have a bloomin' torch, things looked pretty bleak.
All I had was matches, but most of those were wet,
And me spotty is was busted, how much wor'sa could it get.
I had me stick beside me, in case there was a snake to fight.
It was from flamin' fear that I never slept a wink,
I wasn't even game to have a bloody flamin' drink,
But I'll tell ya' what, I was flamin' glad, to see the breakin' of the day.
The rivers were recedin' as the sun rose in the sky,
And I saw me swag stuck up a tree, 'lest fifteen meters high.
I got some wood to light a fire from the sloppy muck.
I filled me billy full of water, then stuck in on the fire,
And while me billy boiled, I changed and fixed those flamin' tyres.
I jumped in the cab and tuned the key, it started, what a wondrous sound.
The noise, of that diesel motor, brought music to me ears,
So I forgot about me bloody tea, and cracked a can of beer.
I climbed the tree and came face to face, with that old King Brown.
I dunno' who got the fright, that old King Brown or me,
But I'll tell ya' what no bloody joke, we both jumped out that tree.
I didn't know just what to do, I was a flamin' wreck.
'Cos if I let him go he'd bite me, and if I didn't I'd drop dead,
So I grabbed a rock and I squashed, that bloody King Browns head.
I dunno' what got squashed more, his head, or me flamin' hand.
I climbed back up and got me swag from that flamin' tree,
I headed back towards me truck with shakin' bloody knees.
I thanked the Lord that I was safe, and I was gettin' out of here.
And I've finally learnt me lesson, 'bout leavin' thing too late,
'Cos I'd nearly met St Peter at his flamin' pearly gates.
On that old Finke River track,
That track was dry and dusty,
And the wind was at me back.
I could hardly see for dust,
As I 'rounded a bloody corner,
There came a mighty gust.
I was skiddin' on me side,
I closed me eyes and prayed to God,
That I wouldn't die.
From a river gum,
I got out the cab and shook me head,
'Cos me brains were flamin' numb.
Then blew me down the track,
I had to grab a flamin' tree,
So I wouldn't loose me Mack.
So I ran back to find me truck,
But I couldn't find it anywhere,
So I cursed me bloomin' luck.
I couldn't believe me eyes,
And the rabbits were diggin' burra's,
Ten foot in the sky.
The track, had disappeared too,
And where the heck me truck had gone,
I didn't have a clue.
To have look and see,
If I could get me bearin's,
On where me truck might be.
But the dust it was too thick,
Then I heard, that faintest noise,
It was a tick, tick, tick.
I grinned from ear to ear,
'Cos I knew that smell for sure,
Was an open can of beer.
And I come across a tyre,
I'll tell ya' straight me china plate,
I'm not a flamin' liar.
I knew I was in clover,
Then I heard that tick, tick, tick,
It was the motor turnin' over.
He'd slept right through that gale,
I woke him up and all he did,
Was wag his bloody tail,
'Cos it wasn't no big deal,
To dig a trench so me truck,
Could fall back on its wheels.
And the load was still on top,
I found that can of ice cold beer,
And I hadn't spilt a drop.
And shoved that old girl into gear,
I said to me dog, "Com'on mate,
Let's get out of here."
Lay dormant in the ground,
Until it rains, and they hatch out,
To wriggle all around.
A hole to catch the rain,
To make sure, the eggs get wet,
She said with sweet refrain,
For how long, nobody knows,
Just-as eels in their eggs,
And they would, never ever grow.
Don't occur in Noo South Wales,
Just in sunny Queensland,
She says, that if you get too much,
Rain in just one day,
The eel eggs, will all hatch out,
And wriggle all away.
You have to dig a dam,
And so they will not swim away,
You feed 'em bread and jam.
It makes 'em grow too quick,
And ya' have to tie 'em to a stake,
And belt 'em with a stick.
And head towards the sea,
Then, you'll never have an eel,
To boil up for ya' tea.
Never try to eat an eel,
'Cos their skin is really thick,
And they're, too bloody hard to peel.
And we left the rat race far behind,
To enjoy the freedom and the sunshine,
And leave others to that grind.
Ten minutes from the beach,
And that piece of land that we bought,
Was well within our reach.
That's full of trees and scrub,
And it has an old Queenslander,
A stones throw from the pub.
And a three car sorta' shed,
A chook pen, with four bantam chooks,
It sure beats bein' dead.
Like, the cane toads and the frogs,
The mozzies and the sand flies,
Is enough to send a man to grog.
Livin' in our roof,
The blighters only twelve foot long,
Fair dinkum', I'm tellin' ya' the truth.
To see what was on the go,
When we saw a flamin' snake skin,
A swingin', to and fro.
I looked at her, with dis-belief,
Then I said, I hope to God,
We do not come to grief.
On our tip-pee toes,
Our eyes were wide as wide could be,
And with each step, we froze.
From there above our heads,
And we hope to God that it was gone,
Before, in fright, we'd both drop dead.
And we didn't have no proof,
Unless we could find some crazy fool,
To look inside our roof.
To find some help to solve our plight,
Before we find that snake in bed,
And we both drop dead from fright.
T'was just a carpet snake,
But I thought it was a python,
I guess I made a big mistake.
As happy as could be,
When I heard a funny screechin' noise,
I saw it half way up a tree.
So I grabbed the flamin' rake,
I went and had a closer look,
It was a bloody carpet snake.
Then it saw me, bloomin' struth,
It tried to get away from me,
And climb back in the roof.
And pulled it to the ground,
The bloody thing was eight foot long,
And it was wrigglin' all around.
And give me a hand to bag that snake,
But she couldn't hear a word I said,
As me legs began to shake.
So it couldn't get away,
I ran inside to get Kerry's help,
And said, "Com'on don't be afraid."
Kerry grabbed an old feed bag,
I grabbed the snake and shoved it in,
By gees that made us glad.
And let the blighter go,
And we hoped to God it don't come back,
But I guess we'll never know.
Since we took that snake away,
We hope it's happy at Yandaran Creek,
And we pray, that's where it's gunna stay.