~~ 235 ~~

~~~ Bloody Flies ~~~

I'd been workin' like a nigger, and I was sweatin' like a pig,
When I knocked off work to have a flamin' rest.
So I laid down on me back, and looked up to the sky,
When this bloody fly became a bloody pest.

It was buzzin' 'round and showin' off, a thing that flies just do,
In me eyes and up me nose and 'round me head.
Then all his mates they joined him, to drive me 'round the bend,
So I headed for the safety of me shed.

But the buggers they just followed me, like a mob of sex starved Kiwis,
To a sheep yard in the dead of flamin' night.
So I took a swing and missed 'em, and hit me self instead,
That's when I got this God almighty fright.

The flies they ganged together, and grabbed me by me ears,
And dragged me back outside into the sun.
Then the biggest fly he looked at me, and said with half a grin,
"Now we're gunna' have some bloody fun".

They leg-go for a second, then grabbed me once again,
By each strand of hair a' growin' on me head.
Then they took off all together, and flew up in the air,
With me screamin' loud enough to wake the dead.

I musta' had a flamin' fit, or I'd just passed out with fright,
As they took me up off high above the ground.
I was miles high up in the clouds, when I finally come to,
And all I heard was this awful buzzin' sound.

Then they bloody dropped me; they just let me flamin' go,
I was wizzin' back to earth, just like a rock.
When I landed on an eagle, as he was flyin' by,
And, I dunno' who got the biggest shock.

He turned around to look at what had landed on his back,
And his flamin' beak was covered all in mirth.
He said to me, "My friend, this could 'ave been your end,
But I'll take ya' down and put ya' back on earth."

September 21, 1999

~~ 237 ~~

~~~ Bunny Stew ~~~

Me grandad he was great, at putting tucker on a plate,
He made the greatest grub you'd ever eat.
And ya' never really knew, what he stuck into his stew,
But his bunny stew it really was a treat.

'Cos me grandad was a fencer, up in the great north-west,
Where the rabbits and the dingo's make their home.
But he never saw me grandma' after mum was flamin' born,
'Cos she's the reason that he first began to roam.

He was meek and mild, one who never cursed or swore,
But that changed the day me bloody mum arrived.
He took one flamin' look and headed for the scrub,
It's a wonder that me grandad he survived.

He started musterin' cattle for a bloke out on the plains,
On a bicycle that didn't have a seat.
But that bloke he was no good, 'cos he said my grandad should,
Only feed upon that grass the cattle eat.

But me grandad was no dope, he just got a length of rope,
And tied that bloke up to a long horned steer.
With a fart and with a cough, and the steer he took off,
And that bloke was spread from Timbuktu to here.

Then grandad tried his hand, in plowin' up the land,
Workin' for a bloke that grew some wheat.
He was worked from dawn to dark, which weren't no bloomin' lark,
And poor grandad never got no bloody sleep.

But grandad kept his calm, a' working on that farm,
Till the boss he said me grandad was too slow.
And he'd never keep his job, workin' for his flamin' mob,
So me grandad told that bloke just where to go.

That's when me grandad lied, for the new job he applied,
Trappin' dingo's and the odd ka-ranga-roo.
That's where he got the habit, of also trappin' rabbits,
For makin' lots of lovely bunny stew.

September 22, 1999

~~ 238 ~~

~~~ That Bloody Flamin' Nest ~~~

I was headin' way out west, when I saw that flamin' nest,
Up atop a great big bloody tree.
And I really couldn't tell and I thought well bloody hell,
What the bloody heck that flamin' nest could be.

So I stopped to have a look, a bloody captains cook,
But I couldn't see a thing inside that nest.
So I thought well bugger me, I'm gunna have to climb that tree,
And I knew that climb would put me to the test.

But I knew I couldn't rest, till I looked inside that nest,
So I started climbin' up that bloody tree.
I was climbin' pretty quick, when this dirty great big stick,
Broke off and hit me right behind me knee.

Then my fingers lost their grip, and I felt just like a drip,
As I started slippin' right back down that tree.
And I was losin' bark is chunks as I slipped back down that trunk,
And the skin was missin' off me other knee.

Then I started to look pale when I saw me fingernails,
All broke and bleeding stuck up in that tree.
And I'd broken one big toe, and half me bloody nose,
Was missin' so I couldn't bloody sneeze.

And when I landed on the ground, I made a thudding sound,
So I laid there on me back to rest a spell.
And I bloody just don't care, what or who the heck lived there,
And that bloody flamin' nest can go to hell.

September 23, 1999

~~ 241 ~~

~~~ Toes ~~~

I was busy choppin' wood, and I thought I'd rather should,
Wear a pair shoes to protect me little toes.
But I'm sorta' bloody slack, so I gave that wood a whack,
And missed and chopped off half me flamin' toes.

I was jumpin' up and down, just lookin' like a clown,
When me missus yelled and asked me what's the go.
So I screamed and bloody yelled, and played merry bloody hell,
And said, "I'm bleedin' like a pig so stop it's flow."

She raced there with a towel, as I gave an awful howl,
As a crow flew down and pinched a severed toe.
That's when I done me block, and picked up a flamin' rock,
And threw it at that thievin' bloody crow.

But me aim was bloody bad, and it made me missus mad,
'Cos that rock it hit her on her big fat nose.
So she done her flamin' block, and, she pick up a rock,
And hit me where the sun just never goes.

Then me legs began to ache, so I said for goodness sake,
I am in pain like heavens only knows.
So help me bloody please, as fell down on me knees,
And grabbed the place that once had held me toes.

So she bandaged up me feet, then she took off down the street,
To the Doc's to tell him of me awful woes.
And she told the Doc I'm tough, but I need some special stuff,
To try and fix the damage to me toes.

She brung me back a lotion, a magick flamin' potion,
So me eyes lit up and they began to glow.
But I will be diss-appointed, if that salve I have a-nnointed,
Doesn't make me bloody toes begin to grow.

September 28, 1999

~~ 242 ~~

~~~ Ka-ranga-ranga-roo ~~~

When you want a decent meal,
I'll tell you what to do.
Just set a trap and try a catch,
A Ka-ranga-ranga-roo.

A Ka-ranga-ranga-roo it is,
The biggest thing you'll find.
And if you set your trap just right,
You'll confuse his simple mind.

'Cos they can jump 100 feet,
And fly up in the sky.
But if you can catch and cook one up,
They make the greatest pie.

They usually weigh 500 pounds,
And grow to sixty feet.
So when you skin and gut the thing,
You'll have plenty meat to eat.

So, you'd better get a good supply,
Of freezer bags to store.
The meat you get, the steaks and stuff,
And its fingernails and claws.

But please beware, don't make a blue,
Or be, mistaken or mislead.
Cos if you miss it with your trap,
It'll bite off half your head.

September 29, 1999

~~ 245~~

~~~ Out On That Busted Track ~~~
~ Part I ~

Way out back, on that busted track,
That leads where nobody knows.
I took me swag and tucker-bag,
And headed west with the crows.

And I took me dog, me holla' log,
To keep me com-pany.
And me old galah that smokes cigars,
And a billy full of tea.

And we didn't know, how far to go,
But we'd get there without fail.
So we tramped along, and sung a song,
While the dog, he wagged his tail.

Then we come across, an alba-tross,
With a swag upon his back.
He said, " How do ya' do, can I join you,
On this never ending track?"

I said, "Ok, let's get on our way,
And please join us, in our song."
So he cleared his throat and sang out a note,
As we kept wan-dring along.

The albatross said, took his hat from his head,
That! The sun was fast sinking away.
And we'd better stop now, and cook up some chow,
'Cos it close to the end of the day.

But I said with a smile, "We'll stop in a while,
When we get to the top of this hill.
Then I'll cook a big feed, of carraway seed,
And you can eat till you're taken your fill."

It was still light, when we stopped for the night,
So we gathered up pieces of wood.
And the dog he done tricks, picking up sticks,
And the galah did the best that he could.

Then we lit up our fire, a paddy maguire,
And we put on our tucker to cook.
Then the albatross said, as I buttered some bread,
If he could read us a yarn from his book.

So he read us a story, that was bloody and gory,
That frightened us near half to death.
The dog held his ears, the galah disappeared,
And I just run out of breath.

Then we spent that whole night, all shiv-er-ing with fright,
From that story that albatross told.
But, I said with a gruff, that I'm big and I'm tough,
And I was shiv-er-ing just from the cold.

October 1, 1999

~~ 246 ~~

~~~ Out On That Busted Track ~~~
~ Part II ~

When we had to go, I let alba-tross know,
That he wouldn't be welcome with us.
'Cos he had been unkind, so if he didn't mind,
That it's best that he don't make a fuss.

So I packed up me swag, me billy, and tucker-bag,
And I headed off then on me way.
Me dog tagged along, and me galah sang his song,
Oh! What a beautiful day.

But we hadn't gone far, when up drove a car,
That was drivin' by an old kangaroo.
He tooted his horn in a manner to warn
That he wanted to drive right on through.

But he hadn't planned, when I stuck up me hand,
And told him he shouldn't intrude.
So me dog and galah, jumped in to his car,
And bit him for being so rude.

The roo done his block, and went into shock,
As he slipped and fell on his head.
And I won't be surprised, when he opens his eyes,
That he'll think that he's better off dead.

Then the roo he turned pale, when me dog grabbed his tail,
And me galah bit him right on the nose.
Then I grabbed a stick, one big long and thick,
And belted him right on his toe.

Next the roo he turned blue, and then he shot trough
Hopping along down that track
With me dog at his heals, me galah shrieked and squealed,
That, that roo he will never be back.

October 4, 1999

~~ 248 ~~

~~~ Out On That Busted Track ~~~
~ Part III ~

Then we went on our way, on that bonzer bloomin' day,
A' drivin' in that rusty old mobile.
Everything was fine, till we got to Yellowdine,
And we stopped to have a drink and have a meal.

That's where we met old Joe, he ran that flamin' show,
So we asked what was good to have to eat.
He said the steak was great, and I said no worries mate,
Then he said that flamin' meat just can't be beat.

So we sat to have feed and we said we would indeed,
Enjoy a piece of meat, a T bone steak.
So Joe he said he would, find the best T-bone he could,
And a few spuds that he had, already baked.

While we waited there, a blood-curdling scream it hit the air,
And me dog he started howlin' like the dead.
Me galah he screeched and wailed, and bit me dog right on his tail.
And I dropped me flamin' plate of buttered bread.

Then I jumped up to me feet, as me heart it missed beat,
So we raced outside to have a flamin look.
And ya' could have buggared me, 'cos the only thing that I could see.
Was old Joe with a goat hung on a hook.

He'd just hung that flamin' goat, and cut its bloody throat,
And its blood was drippin' out on to the ground.
And he skun it in a flash, and threw it gizzards in the trash,
As we stood there, totally spellbound.

Old Joe worked pretty quick, he was pretty bloody slick,
Cuttin' that goat meat from off the bone.
Then old Joe he turned around as me guts they hit the ground,
And I wiped me mouth then gave a bloody groan.

So, it seems the T bones that he sold, were T bones that were old,
That were hammered into bits of old goat meat.
And ya never bloody knew, what was in his bloody stew,
'Cos it could be kangaroo or lorikeet.

So the dog, galah and I, we said to Joe goodbye,
And said we didn't think that we'd be back
So I turned the key to start, our good old horse less cart
And we headed back out on that busted track.

October 7, 1999

~~ 249 ~~

~~~ Speed Kills ~~~

I was drivin' on a dusty track,
And I'd not seen another soul.
And the only other things that moved,
Was the trees and power poles.

And I guess I sorta' dozed a bit,
While hummin' out a tune.
And thinkin' 'bout that ice cold beer,
That I'd be havin' soon.

When this dirty flamin' copper,
Jumped from out behind a tree.
And aimed his flamin' radar gun,
Di-rec-ta-ly at me.

Then the mongrel pulled me over,
For drivin' way to fast.
And gave me a bloody ticket,
And gave me a bloody blast.

He said that people just like me,
Are a menace on the road.
And should be drawn and quartered,
Until their brains explode.

'Cos, there's wallaroos and kangaroos,
That lives out flamin' here.
And all you do is speed on through,
Just thinkin' 'bout cold beer.

There are other people on this road,
Besides just flamin' you.
And ya've been drivin' like a mug galah,
That belongs inside a zoo.

So slow down mate, I'll tell ya',
Before it is too late.
Or it won't be long before you're there,
With St Peter at his gate.

October 7, 1999

~~ 250 ~~

~~~ My Mother Said ~~~

Me mother said to me, when she sat me on her knee,
that I was the best'est kid, that was around,
and when that I was small, I cried bugger all at all,
and I hardly ever made a bloody sound.

And then she also said, that sometimes, she thought that I was dead,
'Cos I hardly ever moved or said a word,
and it made me poor old dad, flamin' bloody mad,
'Cos I never made a sound that could be heard.

Then they told me one fine day, that I'd better earn some pay,
and get out in to the world and make my way,
and I wasn't to return, until I flamin' earned,
a hundred flamin' quid a flamin' day.

So I went out there to toil, in a gold mine and in oil,
and was makin' heaps and heaps of flamin' cash,
I went back home of course, with a roll of cash that would choke a horse,
And they took that money off me in a flash.

So that's when I left me home, went out to the bush to roam,
and I wasn't going back a' flamin' 'gen,
I packed me flamin' swag, put some tucker in a bag,
and took me hat and me battered billy can.

I've been on the track for so long now, I have forgotten how,
to sleep in a bed and use a dinner plate,
and me days are never done, till the setting of the sun,
and I meet with old St Peter at his gate.

October 9, 1999