~~ 285 ~~

~~ Empty Headed Women ~~~

I had heard what others said, about her empty head,
But I didn't really know myself for sure.
Until the other night, she gave me a proper fright,
When she walked into that bloody flamin' door.

She squashed her flamin' nose, and stubbed her bloody toes,
And put her knee right through that bloody wall.
And she tripped up on the rug and dropped her coffee mug,
As she commenced to slip, and bloody fall.

She fell onto the ground, and started rollin' all around,
And she screamed and yelled and had a bloody fit.
She started rockin' to and fro and started rippin' off her clothes,
And her tongue started bleedin', where it got bit.

So I got a flamin' rope, to tie up that flamin' dope,
And stuck her in the dunny to calm down.
But she carried on some more, so I locked that flamin' door,
And told her to stop actin' like a clown.

Then I called the men in white, to cart her off that night,
To the funny farm that's just on down the road.
And they took her mother too, and all her motley crew,
As I shook me head and said, "Well I'll be blowed".

So ya' better listen to, what others tell to you,
'Bout those women that you keep inside your home.
Just boot' em out the door; and tell them not to come back anymore,
'Cos they're empty-headed vacuums that just moan.

January 29, 2000

~~ 286 ~~

~~~ I Won't Ask Next Time ~~~

I should have written him a letter
Or I should've used the phone,
It's a pain to hear his wingin' voice
And to hear him flamin' moan.

'Cos he's never got a word to say
That was good at bloody all,
He just complains 'bout every-thing,
He drives ya' up the wall.

And when I said, 'G'day mate,
How are you today",
He just shook his head and grit his teeth
And, this is what he'd say.

"That bloody cook, that wife of mine
Has finally gone too far,
She wants me help to teach her how,
To drive a bloody car."

"A women's place is in the home
Washing, scrubbing cleaning floors,
Not going out to gallivant
And keep me bloody poor."

"She need to learn her place in life,
And do, what's she's bloody told,
'Cos she's gunna' have to care for me
When I'm bloody old."

I really told him what I thought
About his bloody moaning ways,
I said his wife would leave him soon
She'd just simply go away.

'Cos she'd be getting' sick of all ya' crap
I could bloody tell,
She'll feel like telling you to go
And get to bloody hell.

So next time I'll write a letter
Or next time I'll use the phone,
Then I'll never see his painful face,
And I'll never see him moan.

And I'll never hear about his wife
Or his anti-quated ways,
And I'll never have to listen to,
Him moan and groan all day.

January 29, 2000

~~ 301 ~~

~~~ Snakes Mate ~~~

"Snakes mate! Talk about snakes, we have millions of 'em."

"We have brown ones, black ones, green ones and yellow ones,
We have stripy ones as well.
Big ones and small ones,
And ones that kinda' smell."

"They slip and slide across the grass
And across the water too.
We are aware that they are there
But! They'll be comin' after you."

"And we have them hiding up in trees,
They'll strike as you walk by.
So walk with care, and just beware,
And keep an open eye."

Sometimes they'll sneak right up to you
And give a little hiss.
Then they'll bite you on ya' leg,
And they very seldom miss."

"They'll bite you once, they'll bite you twice,
They'll bite you once again.
And then you'll fall onto the ground,
All crippled up with pain."

"And while you wriggling on the ground
They'll bite you on the nose.
And to make sure, they bit you right,
They'll bite you on the toe."

"So, you must beware and to take care
Not, to upset our slippery friends,
Or you will yell and scream like hell,
When they bite you in ya' end."

"So, if you come to visit us,
Please come here all prepared.
Or otherwise, just stay at home,
All petrified and scared."

February 20, 2000

~~ 307 ~~

~~~ Know All Nelly ~~~

There is this know all Nelly
That lives just down our road,
She cooks, her own bread and shaves her head
And looks just like a toad.
She's a walkin' 'cyclopedia
A smart arse of renown,
And as I said she shaves her head
And looks just like a clown.

And;

She knows all about the weather,
And how to fix a car,
And how to build a run-about,
And she smokes a big cigar.
She's a flamin' bloody master chief,
A five star cordon-bleu,
And she raves and raves how good she is,
All I can say is "Duh."

And;

When she comes to visit
She acts just like the Queen,
She say's, "Let me tell you all about"'
"The places I have been".
And she bungs it on fair dinkum mate,
And she skite's about her looks
And the junk she plasters on her face,
Makes her look just like a chook.

And;

She's really fuggin' ugly,
And if ya' kissed her you'd die,
'Cos her breath it smells like doggie's doo,
And brings tears to ya' eyes.
And her under arms are hairy mate,
Just like a gorilla's pits
And everything about her,
Just gives a bloke the shits.

So's;

I reckon if ya' met her,
You'd shoot right bloody through,
'Cos ya' guts would heave and rumble,
And ya'd probably flamin' spew.
So, mark my words fair dinkum mate,
I'll hit the frog and toad,
Just so's I can get away,
From that know all down the road.

March 8, 2000

~~ 308 ~~

~~~ The Queens New Dunny ~~~

The Queen had broke her dunny,
And the word had passed around,
That a new one it was needed,
One, that was safe and sound.

And it had to be a flash one,
One made with grace and class,
'Cos, it had to fit and 'com-a-date
A piece of royal arse.

So every bloomin' brickie,
And chippie of renown,
And every flamin' plumber,
Were called to London town.

The Queen she said, "Now listen here,
My dunny it has broke,
And I need a new one pretty fast,
'Cos I can't pee like a bloke."

"I need to pee while sitting down,
Otherwise I wet my shoes,
And I need a place to sit and think,
Whilst I do my daily poos.

So build me one that will not bust,
When I sit upon the seat,
And build me one that flush's clean,
So, I will not splash my feet."

So's the brickie and the chippie
Set to work upon that task,
To build a royal shithouse,
Just like the Queen had asked.

And the plumber wasn't worried
About that work at hand,
'Cos, he'd plumb the flashest shithouse,
Ever built in this here land.

They worked and worked all through the night,
Upon that royal loo,
And not a soul or royal boss,
Knew what those builders knew.

And when that job was finished,
A crowd had gathered 'round,
To see that royal dunny,
Just a long drop, in the ground.

But the Queen she wasn't happy,
She refused to pay their bills,
She made that brickie and that chippie
Feel, just like a pair of dills.

But the plumber had her covered,
He said, "Now hang on Mum,
At least that hole it will not break,
And it'll fit your royal bum."

March 8, 2000

~~ 312 ~~

~~~ Bloody Kangaroo's ~~~

Let me tell ya' 'bout the time when things were pretty crook,
I had no food I had no grub, I had nothing left to cook.
So I decided to go out and shoot, a big fat kangaroo
And I'd make dam sure it's big and fat, to make me'self a stew.

I grabbed me gun and skinnin' knife, that was sharp as a razor blade
And I headed out at sunup, on me pat-malone and unafraid.
I hadn't wandered very far when Roo tracks took me eye
So I'd sneak up on that kangaroo, and give him a big surprise

I stuck a bullet up the spout and took the safety off,
That's when I heard that funny noise, it was sorta' like a cough.
I froze just like a startled snake and peered through the scrub,
There I saw that kangaroo, sittin' in an old bathtub.

He looked at me and then yelled out, "Hey you, get over 'ere,
Sit down by me bathtub, and grab ya'self a beer."
Ya' could have knocked me over, when I heard those words he spoke.
I said, "Is that you who spoke to me, or is this a flamin' joke?"

He coughed again and grabbed a towel and started to dry off,
Then he lit a fat cigar and spoke just like a toff.
He said , " Well old man what brings you here with that gun and skinning knife,
I hope to God you don't propose to take my bloomin' life."

I sorta' coughed, then stamered out, these words I'd hope he'd hear,
"Why would I shoot a kangaroo who smokes cigars and drinks cold beer,
And if ya' didn't, just drink cold beer and ya' liked to drink it hot,
That's no reason why ya' should, be a contender to be shot."

He winked at me and said he knew I was battlin' for a feed,
And to rest a while and listen, and to take a bit of heed.
" If its tucker that ya' want and ya' cupboards they are bare,
Don't come huntin' me ya mug, 'cos it isn't flamin' fair

"It isn't flamin' fair ya' dope, to shoot me, a Kangaroo,
And skin me and then chop me up and stick me in ya' stew.
So grow some flamin' veggies and grow some flamin' sheep,
And skin them sheep then cut them up and use them for ya' meat."

He grabbed me gun and grabbed me knife and then he flamin' said,
"Now, its your turn, now bugger off or I'll shoot you flamin' dead.
Get on ya' bike just like I say and bugger off from here,
And leave me alone to have me bath and enjoy me flamin' beer."

So, I shot through just like he said, and raced off down the track,
And never turned around in case I got a bullet in me back,
I never stopped 'till I got home to reflect on what I saw,
And I swore I'd never hunt, for kangaroo's no more.

April 4, 2000

~~ 323 ~~

~~~ "Yes Dear" ~~~

She is a bonzer sheila
This woman here of mine,
And she gives a little smile
When everything is fine.

But she's a different sorta' sheila
When she does her flamin' block,
And I really think she's one day short
Of an eight day flamin' clock.

And she has this disposition
Of a Princess or a Queen,
But when she's flamin' cranky
It's a sight not to be seen.

She chucks around the pots and pans
And the knives and flamin' forks,
An' I'm even scared to look at her
Or to even flamin' talk.

So I sits here in me corner
And hide and cringe with fear,
And hope to God there is a way
To get out of flamin' here.

'Cos she screams and spits her venom
At me, a defenseless little bloke,
And she castigates and criticizes
And treats me like a joke.

So, I tell ya' what I'm gunna' do
I'm gunna' show I have no fear,
And if she says to shut me gob
I'll just cringe and say, "YES DEAR"

May 5, 2000

~~ 328 ~~

~~~ My SP Bookie ~~~

I have this SP Bookie
Whom, I bet with everyday,
He keeps takin' all me money,
So's I wish he'd go away.

I bet with him on Sydney,
And on Melbourne and the West,
But I wish that he would bugger off,
He's become a flamin' pest.

'Cos, I bet with him each mornin'
And the afternoons as well,
But I wish that SP Bookie,
Would go to flamin' hell.

I'd tell him where to go me self
But, I'm not at all that brave,
'Cos that mongrel SP Bookie
Has the ticket that I crave.

May 25, 2000

~~ 334 ~~

~~~ The Apple of Me Eye ~~~

While I sit and watch me billy boil,
I think about that bonzer goil,
That was me one and only poil,
She was the apple of me eye.

I'd met her on the first of spring,
That's when me heart began to sing,
So's I was gunna go and buy a ring,
For the apple of me eye.

She was sorta' short but real sweet,
She always looked so nice and neat,
She was just the sort that can't be beat,
That apple of me eye.

And when we kissed she'd kinda' purr,
Her hair was like the finest fur,
And I'd never treat her like a cur,
That apple of me eye.

I was gunna' take her home with me,
To show me flamin' family,
That she's was, and she was gunna' be,
The apple of me eye.

But I went and did me flamin' quince,
And with some words I didn't mince,
And I haven't seen her flamin' since,
That apple of me eye.

June 9, 2000

~~ 343 ~~

~~~ Ful-fill-ment ~~~

My boyfriend came around the other morning,
And knocked upon my little cottage door,
He had a box of lovely little goodies,
And he laid them out all neatly on my floor.

They were of different shapes and different colours,
More, than any girl would ever see,
He said that I could pick one up and feel it,
I did, and I giggled all with glee.

He said to try, and see which fits the neatest,
For a loose one wouldn't do me any good,
'Cos a loose one would be just a waste of effort,
Whether, it was made of plastic or of wood.

But my little heart it beated 'o' so madly,
And I really, nearly lost my self-control,
My fingers trembled with, ex-pex-tation,
To see which one would fit into my hole.

The first one that I tried was much too tiny,
And the second was lots bigger I could see,
But the third one was a waste of all my effort,
Where ever was the right one gunna' be.

Then, I found it at the bottom of the package,
I squeezed it to my breasts, a loving hug,
I'd finally found the one that fitted perfect,
My bath now had a perfect fitting plug.

July 8, 2000