A Letter of Warning From Australian Forces Vietnam 1968-1969.
Taken from the 9RAR Association Book "On Active Service" with their kind permission
To ......................................................................................... This is to inform you that during the month of ................................... 196..........your Husband/SonJUncleILover/Cousin/Nephew/Mate/Fiancee/Pet/Old Friend/Brother.......................... , having completed an arduous tour in the Republic of Vietnam, will be returning home to Australia (RTA).

You should appreciate that he is no longer the sweet, unspoilt boy who left Australia fired with the patriotic fervour and zest for adventure. He is now older, probably leaner, wiser in the ways of the world and possibly short tempered so, get the women off the streets, hide all the beer and grog, put a chain around the fridge, and note the following:

One of the earlier indications of the changes of character will be periodic hot and cold flushes, accompanied by shortness of breath and trembling of the knees, this could be due to either Malaria, the rigours of Australian winter or to mini-skirts which he has never seen.

He will gaze in awe and fascination at blonde hair, trams, blue eyes, clean sheets, hotels and tight sweaters. Remember that his only contact with white women (round eyes) has been via the Playboy Centrefold, and he will probably think that all girls have staple marks on their stomachs, if you wish to disillusion him do so gently.

If he walks across the garden and climbs through the window humour him. He doesn't trust the path - it may be mined.

Flushing toilets will be a source of constant delight to him. If he grabs a shovel and heads for the back garden merely direct him to the nearest convenience, as you gently relieve him of the shovel.

If he is reluctant to rise at a suitable hour (we suggest midday) simply whisper "lights on the wire" then stand back and watch as he leaps out of bed.

Encourage him to drink out of a glass. If you give him a can he will drink it certainly, but then he may fling it over his shoulder with a roar of "up the old red rooster" and the furniture will suffer.

Force of habit may cause him to do some strange things, e.g. sleep with his boots on - shower in public - swear fondly at his closest friends, grind his butts into the carpet. He will constantly look at trees not because he is particularly fond of the local fauna, but because he suspects a sniper. He will distrust bus-stops, because they have an unpleasant attraction for grenades and claymores. Also if litter bugs throw something from a passing car he will scream and dive for the gutter, this can be amusing and endear him to passers by.

Please explain to visitors he is not used to Australian customs, if they complain as he searches them before they enter the house. This is the normal custom to prevent bombs from being smuggled into hotels and billets.

If he complains of being thirsty and is looking for a five gallon plastic jerry can, explain to him that the water in the tap is potable (drinkable).

Never ask him about powdered eggs, American bacon, hard rations, powdered milk, rubber trees, chlorinated water, canned beer, rice paddies1 or mud.

Please don't be alarmed by above as he should be a rational human being again in a year or so, try to make him feel important and occasionally whisper to him "Uc-Dai-Loi Number One" to boost his morale. Explain to him all about mini skirts, their respectability etc. Also that rain is necessary, bar maids are not easily won, cabbies are not all robbers and point out to him when necessary that Vietnam is a long way away, everybody loves him and that mosquitoes won't hurt him.

He may look a little strange and act a little peculiar, but this is to be expected after months in Vietnam.

Please do not send any more letters or parcels to . ... ............................ , note the above and above all humour him, the Viet Cong could not shatter his composure, but civilisation just might. His rehabilitation is up to you: his family and friends.

Thank you and good luck.

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